Technolollies or How Draco Learned to Love the Internet
by Lemons are Fun
Summary: How does a wizard react when he finds stories about himself on something his muggleborn co-head called the 'internet? Well, let's say he finds out just what his co-head reads in her spare time and a way to forever embarrass those that annoy him. Slight crack-fic for the 'HP universe discovers fan fiction' trope.


**_A/N: So today was All Saints Sunday and the purpose is to remember those who passed away during the year. It was a bad year for my family so that was emotional. An old family friend also attends and about 9 years ago his sister passed away unexpectantly (she was 20). Every year you light a candle for whomever you wish and have some time for silent reflection. Every year this friend's daughter tells me she is lighting one for her Aunt. I know it kills my friend that his sister is gone and to hear the little girl talk about the Aunt she hardly remembers just breaks my heart. So with that heavy heart I came home in the rain and knew I needed to think of something other than death. My twisted brain decides it's time to do a story on the "discovery of internet/FanFiction in our favorite fictional world"._**

 ** _So to that, I present a true one shot...Technolollies or How Draco Learned to Love the Internet._**

 ** _Disclaimers, with all respect to JKR and the writers of Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Love the Bomb (inspiration for the title only, no one will be riding a bomb at the end), the characters are JKRs and storyline is loosely based on any number of other stories about the HP discovering the awesomeness that is the internet. Confused about the disclaimer?...Search for Dr Strangelove on IMDB, Netflix, or YouTube or whatever...Peter Sellers did more than just the Pink Panther movies. Sorry for the tangents, but again if you don't know who that is look him up._**

 ** _This had not really been edited, or even re-read after typing it. No betas, only me, my laptop and red wine. So yeah, sorry._**

Draco Mafoy was not a wizard to be trifled with, so why were there so many unflattering, untrue and generally uninspiring stories about him. One would be forgiven for thinking the Daily Prophet editors were on holiday, but in reality the Prophet rarely bothered him any longer. This was some technolollly, telchnollig, whatever it was, something Granger had forced him to learn. Only she hadn't explained this Chrome thing to him. Earlier in the day she showed him the Word Processing page and basic typing skills. He had quickly mastered starting a new paragraph, spaces between words and indention. She had left him with her Lap Top in order to write his paper for the updated muggle studies course. She had been doing something on it when the Ginger Ape started banging on the door to their common room. Apparently he had followed her and the secrecy of where they lived as the school heads was gone. Sighing to himself he realized it lasted longer than he had thought. They were two weeks into the term.

Draco took the 'umpter and set it on his desk. Slowly opening the lid, he entered the password and watched the screen change. Unlike when Hermione had shown him this earlier, the blank white page wasn't there but something with writing. Lots of writing, they seemed to be news stories with the standard Prophet worthy headlines intended to make you want to read. But this was something else. His fingers brushed over the mouse pad and Draco was pleased to see the little arrow appear. Intrigued with seeing his name on each of the stories, he couldn't help but click on the story title. With that simple click a new world was opened to Draco.

Draco's Very Bad Day

Word Count: 654

Chapters: 1

Rating: K+

Draco stalked about his family's impressive ball room. His mother had decided to reinstate the annual Malfoy Ball and for Draco to be the host. It would have been fine had she not also invited the entirety of the Hogwarts fifth through seventh years, and the teachers, and the administration, and the Regents and the bloody awful reporters from the Prophet. These attendees had not been mentioned until that morning over breakfast. His black current marmalade had a sudden taste of dread.

It would have been funny if not for the fact he hated most of those at the school. The Hogwarts contingent was in addition to the members of society that were typically invited to such events. And the "regular" witches and wizards who had been part of some lottery to gain admittance. Apparently the field beyond the family wards had a tent village of witches and wizards who just want to see those attending. He assumed it was like what he observed at the Quidditch World Cup, only without Quidditch.

The inane event was to start in under an hour and he had yet to be informed with whom he would be leading in the traditional waltz to open the event. As the head of the Malfoy family, due to the unfortunate circumstances regarding his father's involvement in an attempted governmental overthrow, Draco was expected to show the magical world how forward thinking the family now was. Really his father's imperialistic believes were outdated and believing the installation of a dictator would make things better was laughable. Regardless the family had been on tenter hooks for the better part of the last year. But now Draco and his mother had been cleared of any major wrong doings.

In addition to the family drama, it had been announced in an early afternoon addition of the Prophet, the Minister of Magic would be supporting a marriage law to ensure the future of the magical world. The Wizengamot had already approved the law and the DMLE was working out how to implement the thing. There was nothing anyone between the ages of seventeen and one hundred seventeen could do. It seemed having a spouse more than a hundred years old was gauche. The story was light on details but if witches and wizards could or would not pair off on their own, the ministry would get involved. If that didn't work, the witch or wizard would be kicked out of the magical world and their wand snapped. Draco hadn't survived a bloody war to be kicked out of his world. So he was resigned to accept what was being thrown at him. Most of the girls Draco knew (who were at least close to his age) were either already betrothed, also like girls or just hated Draco. It appeared the mother of the next Malfoy scion would probably be older than its' grandmother. But that was fine, right?

As he rehashed the events leading him to this day, Draco heard a quiet clearing of a throat. Turning he noted his mother standing in the doorway with an unimpressed expression. "Draco, it's time. I have taken the opportunity to select your partner. Do not do anything to show up the family." Draco bowed with deference knowing what she really was saying, ' _screw this up and I'll flay you alive_ '. Like he could do worse than his father.

"Yes mother. Shall you show my partner in?"

"Of course. I should warn you, I've spoken with the girl's parents and they are not against a pairing between the two of you. She is aware, but does not seem pleased with her parents. Since the paperwork is already done, there isn't much she or you can do." Draco stood still and watched his mother leave the room.

What.

The.

F…

The though was cut off when a head of brown curly hair flew in the room. "Just what in the hell are you up to Malfoy?"

Draco's day suddenly started to look up.

Draco tried to scroll only to realized there wasn't anymore. He narrowed his eyes at the screen and wanted to research who this writer was. The name didn't seem real in the slightest. Who would name a child _Daffy and Proud_? Skeeter would never use an alias and this gross leap of reality was really her cup of tea. What bothered him was nothing written there had actually happened. Draco apologized for being such a tosser and Hermione accepted, that had led to them putting aside their differences. It didn't mean his mother, or father for that matter, had any intention of establishing a marriage contract for him.

After a few clicks on the screen, Draco found there was an arrow that pointed to the left and using that it returned the screen to the previous page. The next article, if you could call it that, was called 'Love in the Afternoon' and had his name along with Hermione's. He wondered if there were rumors about them he had missed. He scanned the summary and moved to the next story. Again his and Hermione's name were present. The ones after that also were all about them. Looking at the publish date he noted the articles were not in any sort of order but all had 'Complete' at the end. At the end of the page there were a list of numbers and the word 'next'. Clicking the next Draco found an list of entirely new articles. But it was the 'Filters' at the top of the page that really intrigued the wizard. Clicking on the button he noticed both his name and Hermione's listed on characters and after clicking a little realized it was sorted by an update date and filtered to include only completed items and all ratings. After spending a few minutes getting an understanding of the ratings, he began to look for stories with a T or M rating. Schoolwork took a backseat to better understanding his dorm mate.

The Tumbler

Word Count: 5,764

Chapters: 3

Rating: M

Hermione sauntered into the room and watched the man in the chair. His eyes lifted from whatever he was reading to peruse the figure in the doorway. His tongue darted out and licked his lips. Hermione held a tumbler with firewhiskey in one hand the other a blindfold. Her finger slowly circled the rim of the glass while waiting for the wizard to acknowledge her. The man's grey eyes hadn't left the witch's body. She was clothed in sinfully high heels, black stockings with a lacy garter/knicker set and a bustier in black, silver and green. Her breasts were barely contained as she sucked in a breath registering the lust in his eyes.

Draco pushed his chair back and beckoned the siren to enter his domain. He adjusted himself with no embarrassment. The pair knew he wouldn't be contained in the dark grey trousers much longer. The only unknown was just where she would contain him first. She walked around the desk and turned to set the items on his desk. His hands traced up her legs and over her exposed bottom. It seemed the knickers were an illusion and she was bare to his touch. With a slight bend Draco's fingers began to explore what the witch had offered.

Hermione pushed against his hand and felt his fingers slip into…

"Draco I'm sorry he disturbed us. How is the assignment going?" Hermione walked back into the head's common room to see Draco completely focused on the screen of him. Smirking to herself, she was glad he had taken to using the computer instead of just complaining about it. She had hoped to help her magical world begin to incorporate some of the advancements of the muggle world into theirs. There was a radio so why not movies or even television? Books and parchment could be stored electronically and allow for more to access to the wealth of knowledge out there.

Walking across the room to the desk were Draco sat, still unmoving, Hermione hummed in contentment to herself. There may have been a touch of smug amusement but that died on her lips as the screen came into focus. It was the familiar blue banner that she first saw. Suddenly she remembered exactly what she had been doing when Ron had shown up. A litany of curse words flew through her mind as she saw Draco's face.

"No." She couldn't really stop herself when she saw him click to the next chapter. Her brain was just about to shut down and slink into a corner somewhere. Leave it to Ron to expose her fetish to the person that was most directly involved. "Draco?"

The wizard in question was in shock, his mind not quite registering but fully envisioning the scene in front of him. He had his own visions of Hermione in his house colors but to see it in writing and for the public to read. That was wrong, these were his desires. It was then he heard the witch in question. Looking up he noticed her face. Her eyes were a bit red but the expression was fear.

"Gra…Hermione, sorry. I'm just a bit shocked." She interrupted, she couldn't help it and he didn't know what to really say.

"I'm sorry, I know it's wrong and some of the stories are so bad. But…it's sometimes nice to … I don't know…maybe reading about yourself is a bad idea. But it's fiction, and since it's not real, that makes it better…". Hermione was sitting across the desk and found words and her brain failed her.

"Of course it's fiction Hermione. I mean one of them had a marriage law and mother setting us up. It's just insane she wouldn't do that." Hermione immediately knew why, she wasn't good enough and Draco confirmed it. She had a little hope that maybe the world really had changed, but no. She would never be good enough. While ruminating on her response, she realized Draco hadn't stopped babbling either. "They always said I would pick my wife. It would be for love. And while I don't know if I love anyone I do know arranged marriages don't work in our world anymore. We are behind our muggle counterparts but we've, at least, figured that out. What is this Hermione?"

She blinked a few times not understanding. "What?"

"This Hermione, what sort of newspaper reports stories like this? If I ever am lucky enough for you to wear this I certainly would never allow a reporter to detail what my hands, lips and other parts would do to you. But this story sounds like exactly what I would do? So I say again, what is this?" At this point he had turned the computer around and point to the page on display. Looking at the title Hermione let out a little yelp, it was actually one of her favorite fantasies. She may have found an outfit that matched her vision. Not that she had bought it, yet. But she found it.

"It's…ah…I'm not sure how to explain it. Maybe ask me a question and I can go from there?" Hermione hated it when her statements came out like a question but that was really the least of her problems right now. She had to figure out how to explain her reading fictional stories about them, their friends and life on a muggle site. She had no idea how it started but it was out there now.

Draco seemed a bit confused by her question, he didn't understand what more he needed to ask. "Ok…What newspaper is this?" Hermione nodded a little, she could explain that.

"It's not a newspaper, this is a website. Do you remember when I explained the internet and said it was a way for muggles to communicate?" The wizard nodded slowly, he did remember that discussion from both class and their discussions on her life outside of Hogwarts. "So this is a internet site where muggles write stories about things. These muggles are fans of the characters but create their own stories. So it's not like the Prophet or the Quibbler, the people who read these stories know they are make believe but read to see how others spin the story of a character."

"How did I, did we end up on here?"

"I don't know. I've thought about mentioning it to Kingsley but honestly some of the writers are really good and it's a break for me. A guilty pleasure I guess. I'm so sorry. I know it's not something you would enjoy. I should have closed the browser before I gave it to you. Ron…well, he was him and I didn't want him to destroy the comfortable feeling we have here so I wanted him away as soon as possible. But I guess I destroyed it pretty well on my own." A little sniffle and sob broke from her before she stood and fled the room. Hearing her door shut, Draco spun the screen back to face him.

Closing the top, he carried the machine and himself toward the closed door. Knocking he didn't hear anything, he assumed she had put up her insanely strong silencing charm. Knowing she wouldn't hear his knocks, he slid down the door and opened the lid. After putting in the password again, he settled himself and finished reading the story. With the thoughts/memories of the story, he send the strongest Patronus charm he had ever been able to create. The dragon weaved around him and disappeared behind the door. Draco could do nothing but wait.

Hermione saw the beautiful dragon stop before her and convey the message. She really wanted to believe what was said, but could she? There was really only one way to find out. Luckily Draco had shifted so he was leaning against the jamb which allowed him to remain seated instead of falling backwards into the witch's room when she opened the door.

"So there are some hilarious stories about Scarhead in here. May I please read them in class where we discuss our favorite muggle authors? Andromeda said nothing about the authors having to be famous, these people write so in my mind they count." His smirk completely laid her fears to rest.  
"I doubt this was what she had intended Draco." She slid next to him and moved a bit closer when he motioned for her to read something.

"Maybe but this one is great, not only are Potty and Weasel totally themselves in this one, but Blaise is a GIRL! It would be awesome to see how they react." He looked to her with the biggest, most innocent looking eyes she'd ever seen. She wasn't sure she really wanted to say no after reading the story. "You know Hermione, I think we should find a story and read it every night. Sort of a way to release the stress." He wagged his eyebrows in a way that would mean something entirely different in one of the stories.

"Sounds good Draco."

Two weeks later it was Draco's turn to discuss his thoughts on muggle literature. Hermione had tried to change the story but in the end it was no use. Ron had ended up blowing up at her two days before at lunch and then dinner had his lips firmly attached to Lavender Brown. Hermione found it didn't bother like it once may have. She rolled her eyes and looked to the Slytherin table. She found a now familiar pair of grey eyes watching with barely veiled distain.

Harry had ended up at their door the day before and ended up staying the night on their couch. Neither had invited him in but after forcing himself on them and passing out due to "emotional distress" (his words) Hermione found little reason to be sympathetic to what was about to happen. Blaise was probably an innocent bystander but what could she do. Andromeda Tonks called the class to order before turning to Draco.

"Mr. Malfoy, are you ready for your presentation?" With a smirk the witch recognized from her sister, she sat back to enjoy whatever mayhem was about to be unleashed. Draco stood and walked to Hermione with his hands held out. Sighing she handed him her computer.

"Thank you Professor Tonks. As we have learned the muggles have many technolollies and this computer is just one of them. Using this tool, one can find a never ending stream of entertainment. I found the following author's story when Hermione allowed me to use her 'umpter for our earlier assignment. With that I present a wholly original muggle work entitled 'Blaise's Dream'."

The class seemed a bit confused as Draco set the computer on the dias and opened the lid. The little apple lit up as the wizard typed in the password and pulled up the browser. His little minx had pulled up a different story but after so many weeks, he had learned how to find what he needed without her help. WIth a quick wink to the witch, Draco cleared his throat and began the worst story ever written.

Blaise's Dream

Word Count: 577

Chapters: 1

Rating: T

It had been a long day of classes and Blaise just wanted to take a long hot bath. Slipping into the Prefect's Bathroom, Blaise laughed at the ease of getting in. She wasn't the prefect for their year, but it was easy enough to get the password from Pansy. She had no qualms about sharing things she probably shouldn't. She was sort of like Hagrid that way.

Blaise quickly stepped out of her uniform and slid into the overly warm bathwater before adding both lavender and vanilla oils. Sighing she allowed her mind to wonder into nothingness as the water relaxed her stress and strain away.

Harry "Scarhead" Potter and Ron "the Weasel" Weasley were running. After catching the snitch, it had been discovered the Weasel had somehow found a spell that would make the snitch be attracted to Harry. Not that Harry minded, it made beating those evil, loathsome Slytherins that much easier. The school was always so much happier when Gryffindor won the house cup. What neither had expected was for a Hufflepuff to turn traitor. It seemed Neville had heard something of the boys discussion and knew what they were doing was wrong. Instead of telling an adult, Neville passed the information to Hannah Abbott (his secret girlfriend) and Luna Lovegood (his other secret girlfriend) asking them to help him. Both witches ironically found cheating to be morally wrong and took matters into their own hands. Luna's spell activated as soon as Harry caught the snitch and resulted in the wizard having the word 'cheater' blinking over his head.

While Luna's spell was a nice bit of advanced charm work, Hannah went the old school route and everyone in the Hufflepuff stand of what had happened. By the time 'Cheater' appeared the entire stadium was aware and turned against the duo.

Hermione Granger sat in the stands and was pissed, her NEWTS were only 3 months away and she could be revising. She only attended the blasted match because the two cheaters were her best friends. Maybe the past tense was right. They certainly had no regard for her and only acknowledged her when they needed help with their homework. Honestly, she wasn't a professor and wasn't getting paid to drag the dense duo through their schoolwork. She noticed neither boy seemed aware the tide was sifting, shrugging she sat back and decided to enjoy the show.

After landing the pair suddenly found themselves being chased so they ran. Neither boy was extremely fit, flying on a broom wasn't really cardio and despite Hermione's best efforts neither boy took to working out. It didn't take long for the pair to be out of breath and in need of a place to hide until the heat died out. Harry thought of the bathroom first and with a quick dart the pair found themselves in the correct hallway. It wasn't until they were in the room they noticed how sticky the air was. And then they heard a snore, looking around they saw the most beautiful girl either boy had seen.

Neither recognized her has normally the sight of the green and silver tie made them turn away. But the naked witch had no house allegiance, she was just a witch. Opening her eyes, Blaise saw the two Gryffindor boys gazing at her. Smirking to herself, she stood and pretended to not have noticed them.

That was the Blaise discovered the sensual art of lotion application.

With a jaunty little bow, the wizard closed the computer and returned to his seat next Hermione. The silence in the room pleased Draco, he had hoped for a relatively high shock factor but this was beyond his expectations. Sighing, Hermione just rubbed her head. She knew what was about to happen. Andromeda was biting her tongue to stop the laughter from erupting. It seemed she wasn't the only one who had found that website and based on Hermione's resigned response, there were at least three avid readers of the site in the room. The question was should she inform the rest of the class or just let it be. Deciding she didn't want to hear everyone trying to one up the other with finding horrid stories, she let it drop.

"Well that was interesting Mr. Malfoy. Next week it will Miss Granger's turn and while I didn't have any requirements on what constitutes an author, I do expect something a little more from you." With a nod the witch slid her computer in her bag and truly regretted figuring out how to make her electronics work at Hogwarts.

"When we graduate, I'm hiring you to work at Malfoy Industries. Your ability to make muggle technolollies work and our distribution will bring our worlds closer than they have been in centuries."

"Sure Draco…it does sound good." And it did, but maybe she would find a way to block muggle fan fiction. No one else needed to read about Hermione's proclivity towards lacy undergarments and Draco Malfoy. Standing quickly she pulled Draco out of the room as the rest of the class started to come back to themselves.

"What do you mean I'm a girl?" Was the last thing Hermione heard before the pair took off.

 ** _A/N2: Sorry, not sorry, for the slight bashing of the Golden Boys...it's a Draco-centric story. He is not going to let the chance to make fun of them pass. Blaise was just an easy target since he wasn't really a he until the fifth book or something like that._**

 ** _Maybe someday I'll come back and edit/rewrite this. It made me laugh as I typed it and really that was my only purpose._**


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